I Think I'm OKAY
by anneryn7
Summary: AU. "Because you're pack and because I care about you. We all do. I love you, Stiles. I didn't want to tell you like this. You're not in the right state of mind. You don't need to say anything back. I just… It's hard to see you hurting like this. It hurts. My wolf has been going crazy, not seeing you." Derek admitted. Oneshot.


**A/N: Sorry, not sorry, if everyone is tired of all of the oneshots. I'm trying to be good and start any new ongoing stories. These help me take little breaks, when I'm stuck on my ongoing fics.**

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**I DO NOT OWN **_**TEEN WOLF **_**OR THE CHARACTERS.  
****Music Inspiration/Song Suggestion: "I Think I'm OKAY" – Machine Gun Kelly featuring YUNGBLOOD & Travis Barker**

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I was groggy and out of it, when I opened my eyes. I halfway regretted taking the sleeping pills that I was damned near living off of, but when I don't take them, I don't sleep. Adderall is the only thing keeping me focused. And on top of that I barely remember to eat. I'm trying so hard to function and I have shit to show for it.

I checked my phone, as I dragged myself out of bed and winced when I saw the time. I slept through my alarm. _**Again**_. I had three missed calls from Derek, and one from Lydia. I saw the texts that they had sent and sighed. I opened one to Derek, as someone started pounding on my door. I cursed under my breath, as I hurried downstairs to answer it.

I opened the door to an irritated Lydia and concerned Derek. Once they saw me, Lydia's irritation left. She tutted and pushed her way inside. She waited until she and Derek were both inside and the door was closed to say anything.

"No offense, Stiles, but you look like shit. Have you even been sleeping?" She asked me, clearly not happy with my current state. I shrugged.

"As much as I can. I'm tired all the time. I'm _**trying**_, okay?" I admitted, quietly. She nodded, but didn't look any less concerned. She wasn't going to accept it, until she was able to help somehow. I knew that. I knew _**her**_. I just don't know what she can feasibly do to actually help. I don't doubt her. I just feel helpless.

"I'm going to go clean up your room and throw your sheets and clothes in the wash. Then, I'm going to tackle the kitchen. I'm going to make you something to eat that's actually nutritious and you're going to eat it all. You're going to soak in a hot bath and you're going to let us take care of you. I'm going to leave the two of you to talk." She decided. She took off her heels and set them near the front door with her purse. She didn't leave any room for discussion. She was off, before I utter anything to disagree with her.

"Sit down, Stiles. You look like you're about to drop." Derek said, as he steered me towards the couch. I didn't argue, when I fell back onto the soft cushions. Derek couched down in front of me and made eye contact that I was afraid to break. He makes me feel so vulnerable. Both he and Lydia have this way of seeing right through me. I don't know how I thought I was going to hide the fact that I was struggling so much from them.

"I feel like it." I agreed.

"You've been sleeping. Haven't you?" He asked. I nodded.

"Yeah, but only when I take sleeping pills. I feel like I've been vibrating out of my skin. My doctor adjusted my level of Adderall and it's fucking with me. I still can't focus for shit. I don't know what else to do. I only sleep with pills. When I don't take the Adderall, I'm even worse. I don't have an appetite. I don't know why this is happening. Nothing has triggered anything. I thought I was past this." I whispered, through gritted teeth.

Derek placed his hand on my bouncing leg and I saw the black lines swirling up his arm. I let out a sigh of relief, as he siphoned my pain. I didn't even know that I was hurting. Can he just take physical pain? Does it work, when it's emotional, too?

"Have you dealt with everything that you've faced, Stiles? I know that none of us have had easy lives, but you especially, have had you're share of trauma." Derek pressed. I frowned and bit my lip.

"I've tried to… I just don't always have the extra energy or mental capacity to try and break down and work through what I've been through." I sighed. He didn't say anything to that. I knew that he understood, though. Derek was textbook for struggling to deal with trauma in a healthy way. I was the textbook version for avoiding it at all costs.

"You know that you can come to us, right? We can try to help and if we can't help, at the very least, we can let you know that you're not alone. Call me, if you can't sleep. I'll come over. Or you can come to the loft. Maybe knowing that you're not going through everything alone will help you. You've been isolating yourself for weeks. You sleep through our pack meetings. You've missed classes. You make every excuse, so you can stay home. You're spiraling, Stiles. It's hard to see you like this. Please, let me in." Derek begged.

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat with no avail. I felt terrible, because he was right. I was spiraling and I was isolating myself. I was pushing people away. Scott was distracted, but Scott was always distracted. Kira and I weren't close. That's nothing new. But Lydia and Derek were there. Even Peter was around. He had texted me a few times and I had given him short responses, or just not responded at all. Even Liam and Mason had reached out.

"It's hard for me. I'll… I'll try. I promise I will. I just… I don't understand why everything is so overwhelming now. I guess I just miss how things used to be. I miss my mom. I miss Allison. I miss Erica. I even miss fucking _**Isaac**_. I still feel guilty for the damage that I helped do, with the nogitsune. I miss how my dad used to be, not that I'm not grateful for him now. He's really stepped up, you know? He just used to be so full of life. And sometimes, it just fucking hurts. And lately, I've only had really bad days. There's been so much death. We've lost so much pack. The pain just pulls me under and I try not to drown." Stiles wiped at his eyes, as tears began to fall.

Derek's arms went around him, automatically. He didn't flinch about holding me, while I lost my shit. He rubbed my back and just held me. It was so fucking nice.

"I understand. I don't understand what it feels like to be possessed, but I do understand the grief and the missing your old life. You didn't do those things, Stiles. The nogitsune did. None of us blame you. When you're having your bad days, call us. Being around pack will help. That's one of the benefits of being pack. But it's harder when you go it alone. Let us take care of you. Let _**me**_ take care of you." Derek pleaded. I nodded, against him. A soft growl radiated from his chest. He sounded content.

"You want to take care of me, because I'm pack?" I asked him, as my tears slowed. Just being around him was helping. I forgot how much physical touch could help. Have I really been pulling away from everyone for that long?

"Because you're pack and because I care about you. We all do. I love you, Stiles. I didn't want to tell you like this. You're not in the right state of mind. You don't need to say anything back. I just… It's hard to see you hurting like this. It hurts. My wolf has been going crazy, not seeing you." He breathed. I pulled back to look at him. I mopped my face with my sleeve and looked at the man in front of me.

"You love me." I echoed. He nodded. He looked completely serious and sincere. This was so different from the Derek that I'm used to. He's changed so much the last couple of years. He's no longer the stoic, intimidating, threat-spouting jerk that I met all those years ago. He's articulate and caring. He puts his pack first.

"I've always loved you, Stiles. For a long time, I was just too stupid to see it." He admitted. I gave him the ghost of a smile.

"I love you, too, Sourwolf. But you might need a new nickname. You haven't been very sour lately. Sweetwolf? PackMom? Softwolf?" I teased. He smirked, instead of the glare I was expecting.

"It's good to see you joking around. I've missed it." He said, warmly.

"I've missed it, too, Softiewolf. I've missed you. I'll try not to shut down and shut everyone out, again. I'm sorry." I apologized.

"I don't want you to apologize. I just want to help you. Okay?" He brushed off my apology and I nodded, not trusting my voice. I felt overcome with emotion. I felt so lonely and unloved, when I had people who loved me right in front of me. I guess I just needed to be reminded of that, so I felt strong enough to wade through this outpour of unresolved grief. Working through it sounds a lot easier than I know it will be.

"Thank you." I whispered. He tilted my chin up, so he could look me in the eyes, and pressed his lips to mine. It ended as soon as it started, but it was still perfect.

"Anytime. I mean it. We all do. We're here for you. Let's get you cleaned up." He said, as Lydia came down the stairs with full hamper of clothes and bedding.

"Your bath is ready." She told me, fondly. I nodded.

"Thank you. Thank you both. I means a lot." I swore. She smiled and continued on her way with the laundry. Derek led me upstairs. I felt marginally better, but I know that it's an uphill battle. Maybe, with the help of the pack, I can get through this. All things considered, I think that I'm okay. Or I will be.


End file.
